Sunday, January 24, 2010

How I Got My Gig Writing A Humor Column

Back before the rag tanked. Shamefully, this was my little literary audition. Lolita it ain't, but it got me my first writing job.

I have a horrible confession.

I love Chips Ahoy! There, I said it. It is my shame. It is my passion.

For one thing, you can eat so many of them. Homemade chocolate chip cookies are divine, but you can only pack in a few wads of dough and about three baked cookies before you want to die. But the fun never ends with Chips Ahoy! Two, even three sleeves go down the hatch easy. It’s a great way to get your calcium if it takes you a half a gallon or more of milk to wash down your sweet, sweet little sirens. I can insist on organic, hormone-free milk from free-range cows, and use it to wash down a hockey puck of refined wheat, sugar, and preservatives without a trace of irony.

I love Chips Ahoy! Their sweet crumbly goodness makes me so happy it’s obscene. I used to sniff that we’d be having naught but Oreos in our house, God-fearing Oreos and God-fearing bakery or homemade deserts. I was totally anti-snax.

All of that ended with my introduction to these crisp, sugary little morsels. Why had I never encountered these little miracles in my sugar-soaked childhood romps through the desert aisle? So many wasted years! My God, you can devour them in one bite! No crumbs! The other day my boyfriend went out of town for a weekend, and God help me, I downed a whole box of them in just two sittings while the saints wept.

These things are a gateway drug that have my eyes combing the grocery aisles for fresh (stale) sugary snack foods. What other childhood treasures passed me by? What other secrets lurk behind those colorful wrappers?

Yes to all of it! Yes to the root beer barrels and the chocolate! Yes to the peanut butter cups, the bags of miniature candy bars and the taffy, the butter cookies, and everything else! Yes to everything processed, refined, pumped with sugars and preservatives whose names I couldn’t pronounce even if I could sit still long enough to try to read the label through my sucrose-induced delirium tremens! Yes! Yes! Yes!

No comments:

Post a Comment